Baris Aksara

Dear, Victory. Hi? I guess.

I'm always thinking that writing letters should be brought back to our society because there's romanticism in there that we cannot attain on the chat room which they say "end-to-end encrypted", my arse, right? We did this a while, didn't we? Writing letters because back then I felt that the chat room was ineffective depicting my frustration over not understanding you who were really having a bad day which I didn't know about. We resolved our differences and misunderstanding on those letters, cute and romantic, I'd say.

This letter is a little bit different, though. It's the same method of arranging words beautifully with the utmost respect in every alphabets in it, but this one is without romanticism and I'm sure not cute. This, my dear, is a letter of resignation.

In your infinite wisdom, optimism, and kindness you have, you had suggested me a thing to go on about my life. And in my bitterness, pessimism, and drunkenness of mine, I honoured every bit of it, because that's the least I could do to repent of my sins to you.

And here's how it's gone;

I've tried, my darling, as you'd suggested. I've tried opening up, calling lovey-dovey names for each other, making conflicts to resolve it with love and lust, to be an adult, to be in peace with the realization that we might hurt each other in the name of loving and wanting each other. But sometimes, the fear is creeping in, it's coming as a sleepless night, or a random playback of memory at my day work then graces me with shameless migraine of shame in the process. And that fear became exhaustion.

It's true that ignorance is bliss, but I was not born or made that way. Even though I have the stupidity of non-conscious animal for the decision making the present has to offer, in a contradicting fashion, I also have the widest and wildest perspective of my past. I drink regret, I'm drunk on something I don't have the power to change. Other than words I arranged and let loose in the world of binary codes to make them immortal, I also engraved my heart with all the mistakes I've made to make my own eternal hell. Thus, I'm cursed.

The exhaustion convinced me that being alone will not be as exhausting as being with someone. I can let myself be, just be. Because if I started to love properly, you and I know, darling, that I will not become myself entirely. I'm a chameleon of the most abstract yet perfect wishes of one wanted to be with. I am the perfect man because I let myself change for them accordingly. And maybe that's the exhaustion after all. Maybe I'm exhausted of not being me this whole time.

So, I hope this letter finds you well (of course, this so-called letter wasn't sent straight to you, I hope you still find a taste to check Baris Aksara in your graceful spare time). I've honoured and done the suggestion you'd given me, but with sincerest apology, I cannot go on any longer than I'd wanted it to be. I wish you well, and please wish me well, too. Please, wish me be, just be.

In eternal platform of luck I've destroyed.

Pasha Fatahillah.

Dinding-dinding ini terlalu akustik dan licik

Orang-orang sedang berusaha menjadi Isa

Diikat Hipokrates dan warisan Asclepius, ikhtiar adalah harus

Sedang kau dingin dan biru

Dinding-dinding ini terlalu reflektif tanpa motif

Hingga ...

Kaki langit berendam di ujung laut

Mentari ribut mengirim terik akut

Ombak merayuku untuk hanyut

Tanpa harus beku, namun tetap biru

Pantai tak berdinding ini terlalu membelenggu

Aku pun bisa merasakan mata Ibu

Hingga ...

27 Juli 2025. Biru-Merah-Biru dan Candi.

#CABUTUUTNI

#TOLAKRUUPOLRI

#TOLAKRUUKUHAP

Dengan menyebut nama Tuhan yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang, semoga segala figur yang kau cinta memberimu ampunan dan keselamatan meski sempat kau ludahi dan kencingi. Semoga terbit mentari selanjutnya berfokus di netramu yang sering aku puji, membakar segala ingat untuk kemudian dosamu menjadi pengganti. Neraka adalah sekumpulan pengulangan tanpa adanya pretensi selain membuatmu gila atau mati; sekarang bayangkan segala arogansi yang dengan besar hati kau beri eksistensi diputar berulang di depan matamu tanpa henti.

Dengan menyebut nama Tuhan yang Maha Pengampun dan Maha Pemurah, semoga segala yang kau dengar adalah burukmu yang kau cinta, sehingga kau mencari pembenaran di tiap kolong meja untuk tetap menjaga angkuhmu sebagai wanita. Sungguh sesekali kau perlu mengenal realita sebab kau terlalu lama memanfaatkan ayat suci dan Ibrahim untuk membenarkan segala aksi laknat dan ilusi sesat yang kau pungut tanpa logika. Semoga tiada lagi yang terlampau bodoh untuk kau jadikan pemuja sehingga kau hidup dengan kehausan kekal atas cinta, terdampar kekeringan di Sahara.

Dengan menyebut nama Tuhan yang Maha Kuasa, semoga malammu dibisikkan rasa bersalah sehingga tiap sinapsis di otak kecilmu mengerut malu tak mau bekerja sama. Sehingga kedua lubang hidungmu tersumbat setiap pagi sebab mereka tak lagi merasa pantas untuk menagih udara yang peparumu damba. Semoga kotak Pandora di dadamu terbuka, memakanmu dari dalam tanpa suara. Semoga segala ada yang kau kenal berakhir jadi hampa lebih cepat daripada niatmu untuk bertobat.

Aku tidak perlu kau mati, aku perlu kau hidup dan membaca untukmu melihatku membunuhmu berkali-kali di tiap tulisanku yang abadi. Neraka adalah pengulangan, kau adalah tahanan.

Terima kasih, Tuhan, biarkan 5 tahun ke depan aku tetap tertidur dengan mata terbuka.

Semoga Tuhan melimpahkan keselamatan, rahmat, dan keberkahan-Nya sebab ...