I miss you. And by that I don't mean like I didn't see you for a while, but I mean I miss your hugs. I mean, I miss your eyes looking straight to me. I mean, I miss your kiss of wrath and lust, desperation and sadness. I miss making you laugh and smile as happy as you could be. I miss your smell. I miss your pulse. I miss your wet hands. I miss your droppy eyes and your beautiful lips, your tone of voice when you say my name. I miss you call me 'darling' like no one else ever exists in this world. I miss you when you tell me to say sorry just for fun, just to fill your hole. I miss being there for you, I miss being your first place to go when something is out of your hands. But, there is nothing I can do. I can't even say 'I miss you' right in front of your face, straight to you, I can't.

I'm getting weaker and weaker. I can't even hold my emotions like a sane man. Feels like there's a hole inside of me, everythings bad are dripping out of it.

But I'm happy for you, you seem getting better, you look better. I don't see sadness leaking out of your eyes, even though I still can see there's chaos inside your head. 

Earlier, you asked me, "Are you getting any better?".

"No," I answered. And actually there were a long train of words that wanted to come out of my mouth.

So, here you go; No, I'm not getting any better, Juno. And I don't think I will get better anytime soon. Sometimes, I can't sleep just because the thought of you. Sometimes, some nights when I finally be able to sleep, I dreamt about you and it woke me up in a bad way until I nearly lost my breath. That's the nightmare part. And when I dream something good about you, I left alone with tears in the morning; realising that was only a dream.

But I'm happy for you, because you have someone to watch your back and hold you up on the surface. Let me sink, let me breathe the water and burn my lungs; as long as you're happy, my death isn't something I have to think about. I wish you are trully happy, I wish your chaos inside your head go away soon. I wish he helps you like I'd do for you.

And I'm trying to be an irritating bastard in front of you so you can hate me easier, so you don't have someone to hold you to fully love your man. I'm sorry if I hurt you, it's for the best of you.

I love you and I always will. And, I miss you. God, I miss you so much.

23092021. Pasha Fatahillah. For the words that don't have time to see the light of day.

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